Here in Abbey Ward / Bearwood, Sandwell Council, we hear from Conservative council candidate Chris Brown about once per election cycle (Chris, if it’s more often than that, my apologies – must’ve been distracted by curry advertising). It’s always a special moment, seeing that crisp blue and white leaflet come through the letterbox. To what exciting mix of fonts, factoidz and creative punctuation will we be treated this year?
At about 6pm last night (election eve), there it was, full of reasons why the ward should try something new – namely, voting for a Tory councillor. I have made some helpful notes to accompany the document:
1. Remember: Conservatives TEACH their young, Labour CONSUME their young like the feral animals they are.
2. Refer to Item 6.
3. Who bulldozed what homes where?? I really have no idea what this line is referring to.
4. Michael Gove might know something about that.
5. Um…OK, maybe? Sounds kind of all right?
6. Refer to Item 2.
7. See you where, Chris? Behind a tree? Out for a stroll? On a park bench drinking before noon? Whatever you can be seen doing, I am sure it is important and that you are doing it locally and with civic pride.
8. …but especially antisocial behaviour perpetrated by dogs.
9. So, when is market day, where is the market and are you sure it exists? I have asked some other local residents and they too were unaware that Bearwood had a market day. Perhaps Mr. Brown is thinking of Bearwood, Leominster?
10. Because this page here is just a cruel joke on the part of Sandwell’s Labour-led council. The gent who advised me on setting up my own business stayed in character for our ENTIRE PHONE CALL.
11. As is so often the case, change happens. But not to the present. It happens, and indeed is currently happening, to the future.
12. The Labour, they hate high streets, hence the attacking. Launch a counter-attack with Chris Brown, and maybe he’ll throw in some free parking (TBC)!
NB: I’m mostly just having some fun on the internet. If Chris actually lives in this area and not in Aston as per the Statement of Persons Nominated, I will buy him a half-pint, bottled soft drink or small coffee (his choice!) at the Bear for posting in the LOL category at his expense.