Gather ’round, it’s the 2012 campaign leaflet from Chris Brown (C[omedy]-Abbey)!

Here in Abbey Ward / Bearwood, Sandwell Council, we hear from Conservative council candidate Chris Brown about once per election cycle (Chris, if it’s more often than that, my apologies – must’ve been distracted by curry advertising). It’s always a special moment, seeing that crisp blue and white leaflet come through the letterbox. To what exciting mix of fonts, factoidz and creative punctuation will we be treated this year?

At about 6pm last night (election eve), there it was, full of reasons why the ward should try something new – namely, voting for a Tory councillor. I have made some helpful notes to accompany the document:

Chris Brown leaflet front

1. Remember: Conservatives TEACH their young, Labour CONSUME their young like the feral animals they are.

2. Refer to Item 6.

3. Who bulldozed what homes where?? I really have no idea what this line is referring to.

4. Michael Gove might know something about that.

5. Um…OK, maybe? Sounds kind of all right?

6. Refer to Item 2.

 

Chris Brown leaflet back

7. See you where, Chris? Behind a tree? Out for a stroll? On a park bench drinking before noon? Whatever you can be seen doing, I am sure it is important and that you are doing it locally and with civic pride.

8. …but especially antisocial behaviour perpetrated by dogs.

9. So, when is market day, where is the market and are you sure it exists? I have asked some other local residents and they too were unaware that Bearwood had a market day. Perhaps Mr. Brown is thinking of Bearwood, Leominster?

10. Because this page here is just a cruel joke on the part of Sandwell’s Labour-led council. The gent who advised me on setting up my own business stayed in character for our ENTIRE PHONE CALL.

11. As is so often the case, change happens. But not to the present. It happens, and indeed is currently happening, to the future.

12. “The Labour,” they hate high streets, hence the attacking. Launch a counter-attack with Chris Brown, and maybe he’ll throw in some free parking (TBC)!

 

NB: I’m mostly just having some fun on the internet. If Chris actually lives in this area and not in Aston as per the Statement of Persons Nominated, I will buy him a half-pint, bottled soft drink or small coffee (his choice!) at the Bear for posting in the LOL category at his expense.

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Dimblebot commands you to play Melanie Phillips’ Fact Attack

Maybe the rest of the internet already knows about it, but I’ve just found this charming game.

melanie philips fact attack

“DIMBLEBOT CALCULATES A 0.18% CHANCE OF DIMBLE-DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF ‘PHILLIPS’ AS HER SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH LIBRARY CONSISTS OF ‘HARRY POTTER’ ”

Photo from Dimblebot itself

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Memories: the time I asked Jan Brewer’s office for a lung

I leave America alone for five years and this happens:

Governors Gone Wild thread on Something Awful

I had forgotten about Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. I once called her office to ask if she’d give a lung to a cystic fibrosis patient who was pretty much sentenced to death after she cut funding for organ transplants. I explained to one of her staff members that just one lung was being requested – we’d find another from someone else and pair ’em up. It’s the “pass the hat” approach to life-saving surgery. Because things always sort themselves out in the free market, right?

After I went through all of this with the person on the other end of the phone, she said, maintaining textbook American politeness, that Jan Brewer was in a meeting but that she would love to hear my comments. The next morning would be a better time to call if I wanted to speak to the governor.

Did she get that I was snarking or did she think it was perfectly possible to go around combining lung bits for transplantation?

Maybe I should finally make that follow-up call and find out.

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Ken Clarke and political nap betting

Budget 2011: George Osborne laughs off Ken Clarke ‘nap’

Ken Clarke napping

Just resting his eyes

Here is what I love about this story:

“Ladbrokes paid out to someone who bet it might happen.”

And here’s an obligatory Eric Pickles joke: Ken Clarke wasn’t napping, he just went into stasis to survive the orbital journey around Eric Pickles.

 

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